Finding Hope After Losing a Child
The pain you feel when you lose a child is indescribable; like nothing you have ever experienced. Whether it be through miscarriage, stillbirth or having known your child for any number of years, the pain is still so profound. You yearn to touch, see, smell, hold and kiss them, and the knowledge that you cannot is pure torture.
You cry for the lost dreams of a life you had envisioned. You wake each morning with a moment of hope that all too quickly fades once you remember what you try so hard to forget. The pain never completely goes away no matter how much time may pass, but it does become bearable. Life does continue and you do find your way. Thank God I did.
I had a beautiful pregnancy. My first child! I was excited, scared, nervous, thrilled and just about every other emotion in between. The first trimester was a bit bumpy with nausea and crying over everything. However, after that, I can honestly say that I loved being pregnant. I felt amazing and the knowledge that I was going to be a mommy was more than I had ever anticipated.
Ultrasounds, tests and blood work all came back normal. We narrowed down the long list of names to 3, but I loved Ayden the best. I remember clearly the day when we found out the sex, I was about 7 months into my pregnancy and there he was, little Ayden was waving at us on the screen.
I remember going to Target that ill-fated morning and picking up the cutest outfit for my lil guy after another round of blood work. Only a few short weeks and I was going to meet the bugger who spent his days kicking me.
Later that evening, I didn’t feel well. I felt anxious and it had been hours since I felt my son move, which was not normal. I went to draw a bath and within minutes, my bathroom floor was covered in blood. I began hemorrhaging and thankfully, fought against passing out and was able to call out to my mother who was in the kitchen.
The ambulance came and everything happened so quickly….at 35 weeks pregnant I lost my son and almost my own life as well. A blood clot formed in my placenta causing it to detach. The worst part of this entire ordeal was having to deliver him naturally knowing I would never hear him cry. I wouldn’t have the bliss following the pain…all I would know was the pain.
I was in shock for the better part of the first month. I couldn’t eat I didn’t want to sleep and my heart just ached. It took me 6 months before I was ready to begin healing. I couldn’t understand how God could take my sweet angel but allow so many others to know such joy. Just seeing another pregnant woman was devastating. But with acceptance came healing and with healing came living again.
I don’t know God’s reason for allowing this to happen, but a huge part of me believes that Ayden’s purpose for existing was to save my life. I have a protein deficiency that I may never have otherwise known had it not been for him. I have to believe that because it has helped me to heal.
A year and a half later, I have another who calls me Mommy. He was monitored weekly and there were precautions that needed to take place, but my doctor delivered him safely. It was terrifying at times. but I had a healthy support system that walked me through the rough spots. That is the most important in getting through the grief; Lean heavy on your loved ones and don’t lose hope.
Thanks to my church family, Ayden had a lovely service and burial. He was given a beautiful spot beneath a tree where I can visit anytime I wish. I still think about him and wonder what my life would be like if he were here, but now I have a peace that took much time and prayer to achieve.
The road ahead may look bleak, but try to take it one moment at a time. If you can get through the day then you made progress and one day you will look back and say “I survived.”